When You Want To Change Your Behavior

This post is about changing your behavior. If you want to know about changing your behavior in your relationship, click here.

What Drives Unwanted Behavior?

Behavior change can be hard, especially when you want to change something that you have been doing in a certain way for a really long time. When it’s time to switch things up, many people think they can just make a change by “muscling through” or “white knuckling it” through the proverbial 21 days it takes to change a habit. The 21-days-to-establish-a-habit model seems like a magical cure if you can hold out that long. But for many, the 21-day mark proves disappointing. That’s because holding your breath and forcing yourself to do things differently only leads to a huge inhale and a sigh of relief at the end of 3 weeks . . . . and a return to the “familiar” and “safe” way you’ve always done things. (I know there are some who SWEAR by the 21-day change model. This post isn’t for you! Google-on, my friend! Google on! *wink*) The truth is that for most of us changing our behavior takes much more than a simple decision to make a change. Lasting change requires a clear understanding of the emotional motivation that drives unwanted behavior – or that prevents you from doing what you want to do. At The Center for Healthy Relationships, we specialize in helping you understand the “little t” traumas that built the foundation for your unwanted behaviors.

What Are “little t” Traumas & How Do They Influence You Today?

What are “little t” traumas? In essence, they are the spoken or unspoken “rules” which were created for you by “powerful others” in your life that did not fit with your basic needs. The trauma is usually silent – a personal experience that happens inside of you while you are interacting within a relationship. The “rule” is the set of behaviors you developed to keep yourself safe in relation to the person creating the rule. Here are a few examples:

– Were you told you had to clean your plate (regardless of whether or not you felt full)? This little trauma, repeated over time, will cause you to feel guilty about not finishing food in a way that can lead to health issues.

– Were you taught to “share” or “be nice” even in the face of insult by others? This little trauma, repeated over time, can cause you to struggle to maintain your own voice in relationships – leading to unhealthy relationship patterns.

– Even in adult relationships, the little trauma of repeatedly having your needs disregarded can lead to a habit of being afraid to voice your needs at all.

Big “T” traumas are those sudden, unexpected, life-altering events that usually happen during a discrete period of time. Some examples of a big “T” trauma include: being assaulted, being the victim of a natural disaster, or being in a car accident. Reminders of these traumas are unmistakable when they come to your awareness: you know what is bothering you and why. Little “t” traumas are different from big “T” traumas because the effects of little “t” trauma are insidious. The rules created for you while little “t” traumas are occurring are repeated, unconscious and (usually) attached to some consequence if you break the rules. Many times, unwanted behaviors are attached to these little traumas, so trying to change the behavior requires that you investigate the emotions surrounding the development of the behavior you wish to change to find the beliefs that feed the emotions. Once you shift the emotions by eliminating irrelevant beliefs, behavior change comes much more easily.

Where To Begin Changing Your Beliefs?

Because lasting change can be difficult, it is really important to keep a certain order when looking at behaviors that you’d like to change. At The Center for Healthy Relationships, we believe that there are only 3 kinds of behavior: 1. Those you like and want more of in your life, 2. Those you don’t like, but consider tolerable, and 3. Those behaviors you cannot tolerate. The first aspect of keeping order while moving toward behavior change is remembering not to overwhelm yourself. Only focus on one or two behaviors at a time until you have uncovered the motivating emotions (and emotion-driving beliefs) that maintain the unwanted behavior. Next, look to master the shift in thinking that will deflate the emotional motivation for the behavior you wish to change and empower you to shift your emotional energy toward more of what you want. We stand ready to assist you by helping you evaluate your basic needs and build a strategy for addressing your behaviors strategically. Our aim is to teach you the tools you need to continue this process on your own, so you can become an expert in behavior change strategies for your own life. This is how you get more of what you want in your life . . . . step-by-step in a logical process that helps you eliminate the “invisible” power of little “t” traumas.

Our Proprietary System: Permanent Change in Less Time

Tamara Ridge, the Director of The Center for Healthy Relationships, has developed a 6-Step system that reliably supports behaviors change without requiring you to spend years in therapy. It is based on Tamara’s frustration with the lack of streamlined strategies for putting you in the driver’s seat when it comes to creating satisfying changes in your life. There is no reason why you can’t achieve what you want to achieve, eliminate unwanted behaviors and habits and overcome self-limiting beliefs that have prevented you from becoming your best self. The most exciting aspect of Tamara’s 6-Step system is that once you’ve learned it for yourself, you’ll be able to use it over and over again – without needing further therapeutic support – to eliminate the limitations created by little and big t traumas in your life. The great news is that once you’ve learned the system, it can take as little as two weeks to change the emotions driving troublesome behaviors without white-knuckling it for 21 days! Give Tamara a call today to set up your appointment and get the 6-Step System for yourself! When you’re ready to work through the traumas that keep you back from a healthy, loving relationship reach out to me. I specialize in helping individuals and couples navigate through and heal the impact of childhood trauma on their relationships. When you’re ready to work through the traumas that keep you back from a healthy, loving relationship, reach out to me. I provide online therapy to California residents, and I work with Alma to cover your sessions when you are insured by Optum or Aetna. You can click this link to set up a free consultation with me through Alma. If you have a PPO insurance policy, I work with a company called Advekit that will bill insurance for you, so you never have to worry about sending out-of-network invoices for reimbursement – all you pay is your co-insurance once your deductible is met! Interested in a supportive group education/discussion about successfully participating in a relationship with a survivor of childhood trauma? Or . . . Wondering how I can help you heal from childhood trauma even if you don’t live in California or cannot afford individual therapy? Take a look at my calendar and book a 15-minute chat and we’ll talk about options for healing.

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